So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
