I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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