i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
