Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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