Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I think I just sharted jello shots
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