apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I need to sanitize my soul.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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