Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
