I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
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