I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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