Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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