The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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