I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I deserve this hangover.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
