God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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