dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
