He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
