i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
