this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
