You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
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My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
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Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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