Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
