Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
