i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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