I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
She even gives head with a lisp.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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