Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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