There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
