Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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