Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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