my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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