apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Randomize
