Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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