Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
