I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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