Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
