so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
