Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
