ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
