so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
