he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Fuck appropriateness.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
My ass is underappreciated
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
