it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
