she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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