How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Randomize
