mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm too high and old for this...
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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