You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
