I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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