Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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