i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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