proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
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I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
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I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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