Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
