id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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