I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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