If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Sober January is a disaster.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Randomize
