Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
