I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
