when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
