why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
