At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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