New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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