My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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