She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
