Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
