yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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