And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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