Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
