The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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